Well I guess It’s almost been 1/4 of the two weeks…. almost. It’s getting kind of weird. This weekend at least I could pretend he didn’t exist. Now he’s on campus, I see his car in the parking lot, we live in the same apartment building, we are in band together…. I just feel like everything is weird now. Different. The past two mornings have been miserable. I just feel sick and like I’m going to cry. I can’t even walk to class with him anymore. Idk. I have my down moments and then I will have my ups, where I feel like everything is fine. It’s two weeks. Everyone keeps telling me to go out and meet new people. I’m not really a people person. And the people I do hang out with or end up meeting are sort of the type of people I shouldn’t be around either. So I guess I just have to separate myself from everyone…..
I wish things weren’t weird… I wish I wasn’t weird. Blah.

I’ve been putting my posts on facebook for all to see but this one won’t be on there due to the fear of hurting my family. There’s a lot of things they don’t know.

Well I went to church this morning. By myself. I don’t think I’ve ever just gone to church by myself. Usually there’s at least someone there I know and can sit by. But I went and sat by myself. It felt like the message was being spoke directly to me. I love it when that happens. It’s what I needed. Strength, advice, discipline. Purity has always been a weird subject I guess to me. I’ve never really felt pure. It has always felt like sex has taken over my life. I haven’t told very many about my past and things that have happened but I feel like things have been wrong since the beginning when it comes to purity. When I was fairly young, I’d say around five, I had a family member sexually abuse me. I think it only happened once from what I remember. It’s never been addressed and I don’t know that they even know I remember. But ever since then it seems like I’ve had impure thoughts and feelings. As I got older I acted on them, more than once, with several people. It’s a miracle I didn’t get pregnant or a disease. I just wish I could go back and tell myself to not let sex ruin my life. It’s something that sticks with you and follows you. It’s a hard habit to break. I wish I hadn’t dabbled in that, I wish I could be pure. That I could have just a special relationship like that with my future husband. But I messed up. And all I can do is try not to keep messing up. All I can do is cry until my eyes turn red and I can’t see the screen to type just to tell you my story and hope that you understand. This is what I’m just now getting. Ryan and I aren’t married. We can’t act like it with sex or any other way. We need separation. We are two separate people. I keep trying to act like we are married. Someday hopefully we will and we can have that kind of relationship but until then we can’t live that way. But it doesn’t just go with Ryan. By myself I have impure thoughts and ideas. I can’t do that. It’s not okay whether I’m keeping it to myself or saying it out loud. Which is another thing I’m about to get to… but first

But amoung you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity Ephesians 5:3

Flee from sexual immorality you are not your own you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:18, 19-20

Those were some verses we looked at in church. I read all of Ephesians 5 when I got home. Good stuff. Look it up.

Now then… Whether your saying something out loud or even in your head that isn’t right….
You can’t be one person on the inside and another on the out. You can’t be the one with the doors closed and one in public. That’s something I really need to work on. I’ll catch my self saying some things with certain people around and another with others around. Don’t act. Be yourself. It’s not that I’m pretending. Sometimes I just feel like I lose who I’m trying to become. My old intentions come out. That’s not what I’m trying to be about. I read Daniel 2 yesterday. I basically compared it to myself. I cant have a heart of clay and a head of iron. I will bust. Even if I look at it from me being clay and others iron. They don’t mix. I can’t make it mix. I have trouble remembering that though. I have to be set so that I know what to say. What not to say. Do and don’t do. I can’t pretend I’m one person outside and another inside.

And with this verse I will leave. I found it yesterday while reading. This is ultimately what I need to do, what everyone needs to do. What I’m going to start doing.

And the people said unto Joshua, the Lord our God will we serve, and his voice we will obey. Joshua 24:24